A question I just received, to start off the Philosophy section (might be best in FAQ?):

 "ok, so i have more questions for you lol. i don't understand what purpose humiliation serves. Can you explain that to me? Is it a sadist thing?"

As far as I can tell, humiliation is the most complex aspect of submission.  I think it can be looked at a number of ways. 

On some level, all submission is humiliating.  Even in a non-kink scenario.  When your boss points out an error you made, that can be as humiliating as being collared and leashed in public.  Well, to some.  It is all a matter of perspective.  To acknowledge a submissive side, that you want to be dominated by a stronger personality, reflects a very interesting psyche, and the thought in itself can be associated with humiliation, at least to most.  As I am want, lets try and break down different aspects of humiliation.   

1. The masochist that associates humiliation with the other aspects of the pain they enjoy, perhaps even the most enjoyable part to them, mental rather than physical.   

2.  The person with general low self-esteem who feels they deserve the humiliation.  Of course not a truly healthy thing and something I hope a loving Dominant would be on the look out for and avoid and/or attempt to reverse. 

3. The person that feels that the humiliation the Dominant is doing to them is part of harsh "boot camp" training meant to mold and improve them, even if it goes on indefinitely.  As extreme as it can become, it is still a mentor-teacher environment.  

4. The humiliation is meant to be a true test of how much you can take, if you are indeed worthy of the Dominant; like the classic "Amazon" archetype.  Are you worthy of being in the service of such a powerful Dominant?  The humiliation is part of the gauntlet you have to endure and survive in order to prove you are. 

5. I also think many of us hold in a lot of guilt, and that an authority figure finally helping us work through that, as harsh as that can be at times, can also be cathartic.  I know that is a biggie to me.  Of course, it helps if your Dominant has taken the time to learn where you might have these guilty feeling and is trying to help you work through them in other ways as well. 

6.  I think there are times when a submissive knows their Dominant need to work off steam, for either internal or eternal reasons, and so submits to actually help the Dominant.  One has to be aware of the classic dont bring outside problems to the scene protocols in this.

7.  There are indeed those that truly enjoy humiliation, that it is simply a turn on for them.  I am not like that, but such people certainly exist.  Thanks MsLis for this additional point!

8.  Attention.  Even if you are being pushed very very far, boundaries you never thought you would want pushed, you realize that your Dominant is focused on you, is paying attention to you.  That attention, when loneliness if often the natural state of the submissive, is heaven in itself.  She is paying attention to me, she is focused on me, knowing that I can endure a great deal.  Attention may well be a huge factor in an interest in objectification too.  And other extreme and seemly degrading play.  She is using me, playing with me.  No matter what the circumstances, that is wonderful.  (and yeah, this I realize now is a biggie for me.)

I did not give the sadistic approach its own bullet point.  I look at things from the submissive point of view, and assume whatever sadism is present is consensual.  No doubt it can exist and even thrive in all of the aspects mentioned above, especially #1.    

And of course, I believe humiliation can be a combination of many the above, probably is likely to be.

Two real rules, in my opinion.  That there really is good communication between Dominant and submissive, even if the humiliating atmosphere goes on for a long time and was only part of the mutually agreed upon "start up" of the relationship.  And that there is genuine love between them, that the humiliation is not meant to "break" the submissive, and yeah, I know some extreme sadists and masochist might disagree, but hey, my forum.  Train them, certainly, but not break them outside of scene, that the entire experience is desired and even craved by both.  Remember, by accepting your submissive side and seeking your counterpart, you are acknowledging that on some level you desire humiliation.  At least as the vanilla world defines it.  If you don't see it as such, hey, more power to you.  But your parents will never understand it.

Sometimes the extremes just make the rewards all the better too.  Extreme humiliation, like other extreme disciplines that involve physical pain, really takes one to a very deep space, a bungee jump if you would; that also allows you to get maximum appreciation for the hopefully wonderful and loving after care you will receive when the scene is done.  Total 24/7 life-styler that does not scene?  There are still peaks and valleys in the relationship, right?  Highs and Lows. 

And when I think about it more, humiliation is actually the most important part of mental submission, which is actually the core of a D/s relationship.  All of the physical pain associated with punishment and discipline means nothing without context.  Verbal abuse gives that context, that "why this is happening to me?" understanding.  You can accept it or resist it, but you do understand why the scene is happening.  And we know that despite the physical discomfort at times, a true D/s relationship is mental.  The brain being the biggest erogenous zone, as so many love to say.

Humiliation, light or extreme, is a huge part of that equation.  The real question might be, how far does that humiliation have to go to be effective?  That I think is up to the individuals in the relationship.  I do think it is safe to say on some level every D/s relationship involves humiliation as I would define it.   

Complex topic, but I think this is a start.  April 8, 2010